And The Award For Most Misleading Trailer Goes To...

Dark Shadows! The latest collaboration between Tim Burton and Johnny Depp (and Helena Bonham Carter too, of course) shows nothing more than the typical Burton style and the fact that this feels more like the 118th time they've worked together rather than the 8th. I've actually delayed writing this review because I don't actually want to think too much about the film because it disappointed me so (and also I've been sunbathing). The film failed to meet the expectations of the trailer which made it look so enjoyable and hilarious.

In 1776, wealthy playboy Barnabus Collins (Depp) spurns the advances of one of his servants, the witch Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green), in favour of the vapid Josette. In a jealous rage, Angelique kills his parents and bewitches Josette so she jumps of a cliff to her death, and changes Barnabus into a vampire, and then proceeds to bury him alive with the aid of the townsfolk. Two hundred years later, his casket is discovered and he awakes to a world he is completely unfamiliar with - the early seventies. He returns to his family home to find the family business going under, the house in disrepair and a number of dysfunctional relatives. Whilst adjusting to his new life, Barnabus must also salvage the family's wealth and reputation, and also deal with a familiar face who is out to destroy him.

It is not only the most disappointing film I've seen in a very long time, but the film is also so falsely advertised in the trailers. The film seems to be confused about what type of film it actually is - it seemed from all the footage released to be a typical fish-out-of-water comedy, but there's family drama added in, there's a supernatural love triangle, there's action, and a little bit of horror, and all in all it seems terribly confused and unfocused. The different plot strands are all over the place because there's just far too much going on; it's like Burton has tried to cram five different films into one, and it's all rather chaotic.

The performances are all rather so-so as well, disappointingly. Depp's portrayal of the 18th century playboy-turned-vampire living in modern times feels rather restrained compared to what we know he's capable of - at times, it feels like he was filming at the same time as thinking "Why am I actually doing this?" - and that's probably down to the script again - despite having been asleep for two hundred years, he seems to accept all the modern day changes rather easily. Yes, there's the little things we've all seen like him being all confused about the television, and another bit where he gingerly steps onto tarmac, but overall he seems very well adjusted very quickly. Eva Green is actually rather good, and despite being the villain I actually sympathised with her, but that may be because actually all of the other characters were somewhat ghastly. She does do an annoying amount of showing off her looks and attempting to force Barnabus to love her, but compared to the rest of the cast she's probably the most engaging. Michelle Pfeiffer doesn't really do much more than drawl snarky comments occasionally, and her incessant eye-rolling could be down to the fact that she has realised she has absolutely nothing to sink her teeth into here. Jonny Lee Miller is just a horrible representation of a bad father to his poor son, a (slightly irritating) little boy who is seeing a therapist and thinks he can communicate with dead people (don't even ask, it's all moot). All the characters are basically under-developed and though you can see they've tried, it's just impossible to care for any of the characters at all. Whereas in the trailer it looked like Chloe Moretz was going to be an entertaining snarky teen, she ends up just being a whiny and very annoying one instead. She's one of those teenagers you want to slap for taking their angsty moods too far. And don't get me started on Bella Heathcote. She has two characters to play and she's still barely memorable. Both of them are vapid, as I said earlier, and bring absolutely nothing to the table except to be plot catalysts. You could tell she was supposed to be the likeable character in this, and you were supposed to root for her, but she just ended up being irritating and redundant. And of course, there's Helena Bonham Carter, aka, Mrs Burton. I'm pretty sure she's contractually obliged to appear in every film her partner makes - maybe they had that in lieu of a marriage certificate? Who knows, but even she here lacks that special something she so often brings to the screen.

There is a worrying lack of humour here: all the decent gags were given away in the trailer (and I meant literally all of them). This could even be excused if they made up for it in other ways, but the horror was clearly toned down (though there is one comparitively nasty moment with a blood bag being sucked dry through its user). It's not a love story, really, as the central romance gets overshadowed by too much else going on, and even the sexytimes feel a little too staged and surreal to be enjoyable. Even the end action scene is actually borderline dull, and I found my mind wandering during what I'm sure was actually meant to be the pivotal moment of the film. Where the tension appears to be ramping up, the audience's interest has surely already slipped to far beyond redemption. It's all thrown together so shambolically it's dizzying, and actually ends up feeling like you've stepped into the mind of Tim Burton on acid. Rather concerning, really.

There were a lot of things hat  just never explained. Not to ruin too much, but there's more supernatural beings that just a vampire and a witch, but they seem very random in the grand scheme of things, like they've just been chucked into the film last minute. One of these appearances was actually laughable, it was so ridiculously bad. And it's just frustrating. If some things had been left out, there wouldn't have been any difference really to the plot but other things could have been explained instead. Everything just feels like it's been touched on because so much has been crammed in, and I think that's probably it's major flaw.

There are some good points I should make clear. The retro style of the film was actually really good, with set, hair and costume actually making me feel rather nostalgic at some points, and that's not to mention the ace songs they embedded in there too. Throwing in a bit of T-Rex and Barry White (actually technically wrong, since "You're the First, My Last, My Everything" was written two years after it was set) really did improve the film, and livened it up somewhat, which it constantly needed. Essentially, it looked good, with a pretty cast and pretty sets and pretty costumes. However, with the seventies feel also comes Burton's own unique style that frankly, is getting a little old. It was absolutely nothing we haven't already seen before from him, with the extreme make up, vivid and contrasting colours and constant gothic feel.

Also, I'm not sure if you can call this a good thing or not, but there's so many twists and turns and random things thrown in that it isn't actually predictable. Well, the outcome is, but not what actually happens along the way. Ok, I've just read that back, and actually that isn't a good thing. I'd much rather it was predictable and entertaining than... this.

It was left open for a sequel (the final shot felt very gratuitous of Burton... you'll see what I mean), but I emplore anyone who worked on that film to reject that idea. I strongly urge that they leave this alone to rot where it belongs.

Verdict: It's just shoddy work from people we all know can do better. I watched Sweeney Todd the day before I went to see it, and there was just no comparison. Instead of watching this film, I'd recommend just watching some of Burton's older works, where he was actually fresh and a visionary, and watch the trailer for this over and over again. It would be more enjoyable, trust me. All in all it feels like a very half-hearted, slap-dash film. Burton, where has your sparkle gone?

**

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isjg9O7ifwM

A Look at Upcoming Films: Jan-Jun 2012

Earlier this year, I published my list of upcoming films of 2011 to look out for. Admittedly, some errors were made (the fact that Green Lantern and The Three Musketeers were awful and that On The Road now won't be released this year), but some, I think, were pretty accurate. I also promised a list of films to watch out for in 2012. Kathryn and I both agree it's going to be pretty amazing in terms of the epic films that are going to be released, but we also say (at this point) that there aren't going to be the same number of amazing films that there have been this year. We shall see. I shall be brief with each one because I have a lot to get through. On with the list!

Firstly, there's The Avengers. If you've seen Thor/Iron Man/Iron Man 2/Captain America and enjoyed them, or are a fan of superhero movies in general, you need to see this. It's going to be incredible (Hulk. Excuse the pun). There is a great cast, one of the best ensembles I've seen for a while, and it has one of my favourite ever film villains in it, because Loki is back! (See Thor if you don't know what I'm talking about.) It's constantly a toss-up between this and Dark Knight Rises (see future blog posts for more information) for my most-anticipated film of next year, and I think it's going to be a really difficult choice as to what my favourite is going to be.

ETA: April 27

Another film I'm incredibly excited for is Snow White and the Huntsman. The trailer alone for this film is one of the most impressive I've seen in a very long time, and I've watched it over and over again just absorbing the brilliance of it. Charlize Theron looks like she's going to be amazing as the Evil Queen (and does a British accent very well!), and the special effects look incredible. Again, the supporting cast are amazing on paper, with the likes of Bob Hoskins, Eddie Marsan, Eddie Izzard and Nick Frost as some of the eight dwarves (Disney apparently own the rights to Seven Dwarves!), and of course Kristen Stewart and Chris Hemsworth (looking very much like a brunette Thor who has replaced his hammer with an axe) as Snow White and the huntsman respectively. Let's put it this way: at the very least, this film looks miles better than the appalling Mirror Mirror. I already hope the rumours of a trilogy are true.

ETA: June 1

In a completely different direction, I'm very much looking forward to The Woman in Black. I absolutely love the play, and if it's faithful to that then the film will be very good. Though saying that, I'm unsure as to how some aspects of the play are going to translate into films and still be as effective. But the trailer looks like the film will still deliver all of the terrifying moments well, and I'm interested to see what Daniel Radcliffe is going to do in his first post-Hogwarts role. And Total Film have already dubbed it as 'The Year's Creepiest Film' so that sounds promising!

ETA: Feb 3

Coming quite soon is J. Edgar, Clint Eastwood's biopic of controversial FBI founder J. Edgar Hoover (Leonardo DiCaprio). The screenwriter, Dustin Lance Black, also wrote the screenplay for Milk, a film I watched relatively recently and was impressed by, so I have high hopes for this based on the cast (also including Dame Judi Dench and Naomi Watts) and crew. Admittedly, I don't know much about the subject, but Hollywood do love a good biopic and it's already been nominated for a couple of awards, including Golden Globes. It's had mixed reviews so far, so I'll have to see for myself, but it's one I definitely want to catch at some point.

ETA: January 20

One film which I'm told I should be excited about, and based on the trailer alone, I am a little, is The Hunger Games. I haven't read the books yet, but I've heard they are addictive and very good, so I shall get round to it hopefully some point before the film comes out. I'm not particularly excited about the cast, especially Jennifer Lawrence, who most people know I'm not a fan of, but the actual plot, from what I can tell from the trailer, looks quite gripping and I'm looking forward to something quite new and fresh from Hollywood.

ETA: March 23



In May comes what has been described as "possibly the most Tim Burtonish Tim Burton film ever", Dark Shadows. Containing the usual cast members of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, this sounds right up my street. It's got vampires. It's got Johnny (my birthday sharer!). It's a Tim Burton film. Just the look of the pictures makes me giggle with how weird and wonderful it is. I don't know what it will be like in terms of quality, of course, but stylistically it's hard to beat Burton, and this looks very much like his signature style.

ETA: May 11

One film which I think will hoard a lot of awards, and has already started actually, is Shame. It sounds very dark, very characterised (which is usually the type of film that the Acadamies love), and from what I've heard has already had high critical praise. Michael Fassbender is definitely an actor on the rise and someone to watch, as is director Steve McQueen, so I'm very much looking forward to seeing this. I think Fassbender sounds like the perfect actor to portray a troubled young man, and we know he does good characters from his previous work. Oscar nomination, anyone?

ETA: January 13

Continuing on the line of sex- and character-orientated films starring Michael Fassbender is A Dangerous Method, one of two David Cronenberg films this year (the other being Cosmopolis, see upcoming blog post for more details). This one tells the story of the relationship between psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung (played by Viggo Mortensen and Fassbender respectively) and the young woman (Keira Knightley) who comes between them. I have every confidence that this film will be interesting and engaging at the very least.

ETA: February 10

I shall end this post on a light note with This Means War. Any reader of this blog and/or person that knows me to any degree will know that I am in love with Reese Witherspoon, and to see her in a film with Tom Hardy and Chris Pine pretty much blows my mind. Three of my favourite actors in one film! Yes, it looks ridiculous, but it also looks very fun and entertaining, and sometimes, once in a while, that's what you want for a film. Although Reese clearly hasn't been listening to my advice (Career advice for Reese), this does look better than the recent films she's been doing (with the exception of Water for Elephants), and I'm looking forward to this offering of light entertainment from Hollywood. Also, 2012 has been dubbed as Tom Hardy's year, with other films including The Dark Knight Rises on the horizon, so let's enjoy him as many times as we can.

ETA: February 17

Other films I haven't mentioned are The Descendants, Bel Ami, The Iron Lady, Martha Macy Mae Marlene, Like Crazy, The Muppets, The Raven, Young Adult, and countless others I've no doubt forgotten and will kick myself later for.

Look out for part 2, July-December, at some point in the future!

(P.S. Can we please please please have some information on On The Road? Please? It's been in post-production for a year and a half now. What are they doing to it?!

Pirates Of Anywhere But The Caribbean: On Stranger Plotlines

Well what the hell was that?

Here is where I would usually put a summary of the plot, but to be honest I don't really know what it is. Cap'n Jack's back doing what he does best: screaming, jumping around rooms, doing that weird jerky thing and embarking on a quest for something mystical. All standard. What I don't understand is anything else. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the third one, but at least that had a purpose, even if it was a jumbled pile of meaningless plot. This one seems to exist just for the fact that they wanted a sequel, and it appears that they threw together a script in about 28 minutes.

There's firstly the setting. As you probably deduced from the title, they don't go anywhere in the Caribbean, defeating the whole title of the franchise; basically, they go on a jaunt of western Europe. Actually, not even that, just Spain and London. Which was my first niggle. There was never any explanation as to the fact they were casually in England in the first place.

Then there's said quest. I didn't understand it. Other than the feared Blackbeard, nobody seemed to have any motive to find the Fountain of Youth other than "well he's looking for it, so I might as well too". Not a reason. The film seemed to take an overly long time to establish the plotline, and Blackbeard, who's supposedly the main antagonist in the film, doesn't appear until a good 45 minutes in. Even then his appearance leaves you with more questions than it answers.
If you aren't familiar with the stories of Blackbeard or the Fountain of Youth, basically it will be very hard to understand. I didn't even get why he could magically control his ship standing still, just with a few hand gestures (it actually made us think "why does he even have a crew if he can man the ship himself without any effort?). And the whole search for the Fountain of Youth doesn't even make sense: Blackbeard wants to find it so that he won't die in the next two weeks, as has been prophecised, but the Fountain doesn't give immortality, so it seems kind of redundant. Basically, the whole quest seems to be there just to give the characters something to do instead of getting drunk and sleeping with prostitutes, which actually would have made for a more entertaining film.
I don't like any of the new characters, really. Penelope Cruz was useless and there was absolutely no chemistry between her and Depp. The only thing that was amusing was the Spanish music that played every time she was on screen, in case we hadn't deduced her nationality from her accent. Then there's Sam Claflin and Astrid Berges-Frisbey (stupid name), slated as the new Orlando and Keira, who were so unbelievably one-dimentional all I could do was laugh at the absurdity of their supposed romance. He was pathetic and needed to man up, and he was also ridiculously flaily for no apparent reason, whereas she was a mermaid-when-in-water-but-a-woman-on-land who just seemed to have one facial expression (mildly worried) and had a total of about 3 lines in the whole film. We were only entertained by them because of their ridiculousness, and they were actually one of the most entertaining aspects of the film... if you laugh at and ridicule them the whole way though.

There are also so many plot holes. The actual Fountain is never really explained, and when the unnecessary Spanish (who we are lead to believe for most of the film are more redundant enemies) come to destroy it, they don't do a very good job. There is one mention of zombies in the entire film (apologies to those who got excited about that from the trailer) and then they are never addressed again, and no explanation is given over that either. Basically, like I said, many questions are raised and almost none of them are answered, which is one of the reasons you will come out feeling immensly dissatisfied.

One thing I have to give credit for is the action sequences. Well, most of them. The first sword-fighting scene between Jack and Cruz's character Anjelica went on for far too long, and was slightly reminiscent of his first one with Orlando, which, instead of being pleasantly nostaligic, seemed like they couldn't be bothered to come up with new choreography. Other than that, though, they were quite entertaining. My favourite would have to be the one where the mermaids basically completely overpower a shipfull of men, though I didn't understand why they resembled vampires. But anyway. The others were pretty much standard: all stylised, all predictable, but fun to watch.

Basically, to sum up, this film had no purpose. It didn't even feel like a Pirates film, as only three of the original characters are actually in it; even with the iconic music playing and Depp's crazy Jack Sparrow, this film just didn't feel the same. Yes, it was shorter than the third one (though it doesn't feel like it), but there was just no point to it. I think the best bit of the whole film was when Barbossa declares right at the end that they are going to Tortuga, the legendary pirate port that brought so much fun to the first films - we cheered at this. And then we don't see it.

My friend and I were talking the other day about how hard it must be to promote a film when you know how bad it is, and I felt particularly sorry for Geoffrey Rush. Considering the last film he appeared in won 4 Oscars and he was nominated for one (The King's Speech, in case you've been living under a rock), I don't know how he can put his name on this film and not feel ashamed. Even Johnny, who by now must be getting tired of the same act (I know I am - Jack Sparrow just doesn't have the same fun quality it once did and is getting a little old), is surely bored of the whole thing and should really stop before this is what he becomes most remembered for instead of the great actor he actually is but cannot show in these films. It has gotten to the stage where Depp has to carry the films by himself, and now he struggles. Even his disintegrating charm and wit cannot make it acceptable.

Verdict: I wouldn't waste money going to the cinema to see it. Wait until it's on television, and even then make sure you watch with a couple of friends, like I did, so that you can laugh and mock it instead of turning off. I hope to God this is where it ends, though based on the fact it's still quite a money-spinner, I'm guessing it's not. This franchise is one which has well and truly crashed and burned.

** (and that's because I was feeling generous)

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5AqJww06bw
Kathryn (who came with me to see this muck) and I were discussing how there should be an Oscar for best trailer, and we think that this should definitely be up for it. But don't be deceived by the brilliance of it - it showcases the highlights of the film well, but then the promise of a good film is by no means delivered.